We all have moments where the darkness seems too much to bear. There are times when it can be hard to get out of bed let alone force a smile, knowing that underneath the mask is nothing but sorrow. I’ve been there.
In order to hide my pain, I did everything I could NOT to feel. I locked everything in a box and hid the key in the deepest parts my mind. I wanted to feel nothing and so I found my personal escape - anorexia.
When I didn’t eat, I felt powerful as I alone could control what I did - and didn’t - put into my body. By not eating, I felt my emotions drain away. I became numb. At least, I thought I did.
In reality, the intention of becoming numb isn't what happened at all. In my attempt to suppress all emotion, what ultimately festered was anger, bitterness, resentment and despair. I had no balance. Even though I thought I wasn’t feeling anything, honestly I was angry and irritable.
I was angry at the world for allowing me to experience so much pain. I was angry at my family for not seeing me and my struggles. I was ANGRY at myself for not being able to “hold it together”. But one day, I became tired... so tired that I wanted to end it all. In in one last ditch effort I decided to do everything I could to LIVE... truly live. What did I really have to lose?
I allowed myself to become vulnerable in all ways, and talking about it was the first step. My conscious decision to fight for my mental health slowly but surely gave way to my armored box of emotions not only unlocking, but flooding wide open. A scary and tough yet rewarding daily decision to struggle and persevere through the darkness ultimately gave me back my life. The fight for health not only enabled me to live, it also gave me a passion to help others.
We never truly know where the journey will take us. Many times it’s hard to take another step. Sometimes, it takes courage to wake up every day and decide to continue living this life you are given. Pain can be a vengeful protagonist but it can also be the catalyst to the best part of your story. If you are feeling numb, or angry, or bitter, maybe take the risk to reach out and tell someone. Your new life could be one conversation away. Keep walking. One. Step. At a time.